Your Grandma’s Tofu Salad

When I visit my grandmother, I take advantage of the fact that she has a kitchen. Not only a full kitchen with all the tools, weapons, and necessities for cooking a heckuva meal, but also all the ingredients a person could ever need. And, since she lives in Boringsville, Pennsylvania, sometimes one must improvise in order to have a good time. I ask you, what better way to have fun than to cook while visiting grandmother dearest? To domesticate my spoiled, ignorant butt? How am I ever to be a resentful, progressive feminist if I don’t even know what those poor women of days of yore had to go through?!

So, I grabbed every spice and vegetable that I had never heard of or would never use my own money to buy, and I had a ball. Messy, yes, but real repressed women clean. It keeps them busy while hubby and kiddies are off being educated.

In my handy dandy toolbox of goodies I had:


Jamaican Curry Powder

Granulated California Garlic (If it ain’t Californian, it’s probably just cocaine in disguise)


Ginger Powder

Silken Tofu (which, apparently, you can get in a little cardboard box!)

Kosher Salt (so you can share with your friend Moshe)

Cayenne Pepper

Diced Tomato

Turnip (I think?)



Once these beautiful ingredients are mushed together and scrambled on a hot, hot pan with olive oil (think scrambled eggs) for awhile, you can then put a dollop – because it’s a great word- of the stuff on some stale crackers. They don’t have to be stale crackers, but since we’re talking about grandma’s house, they’re probably stale crackers. Now you have yourself one fancy hors d’oeuvre that only tastes slightly of moth balls and old people. Let’s be honest, we all love the taste of old people.

Simple enough? You can handle it, buddy.

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