S’More Fails and Successes

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When facing the options of taking the easy path or the fun path… always choose the latter. Unless, of course, you want everything to go smoothly. Nothing will come easily if you cut corners, edit instructions, and float in the breeze. I’m the floating in the breeze type.

Today was NATIONAL S’MORE DAY! Hershey’s was SOO happy. Nabisco was peeing its pants with joy! Whoever makes marshmallows, well, things worked out for them, as well. Coincidentally, S’More Day comes in August. A month when no one is typically concerned with S’mores. Right? I don’t know, I’ve never had a S’more in my life. This is because my family didn’t camp, my family didn’t enjoy bonding around a campfire, and my family didn’t really do DIY fun desserts. Blame my family, not me. How do I explain the past 10+ years in which I could have been S’moring my brains out? Ignorance.

I didn’t even know people actually made S’mores! I thought it was a snack reserved for cartoons and people who couldn’t afford real gifts for holidays.

This year, however, that all changed. I joined Twitter (https://twitter.com/SweetToothVegan) #desperatetimescallforTwittering…. I now know every “National” holiday and I know why people like to say “Hashtag Blessed”. That’s actually not true, I still have no idea what that means. Blessed to be brainless? Hashtag!!

Still. I wanted to make S’mores… on a budget… and vegan… and not too messy or difficult. uugh.

First stop: Whole Foods. Last stop: I stayed at Whole Foods. I just didn’t want to go elsewhere.

I thought buying graham crackers without honey would be difficult. Turns out, it was easy peasy! That was the only easy peasy part of this 3-piece puzzle! The next step was marshmallows. Sweet! Whole Foods totally, definitely has vegan marshmallows. Heck yeah, I even got the last bag! Apparently, I’m not the only kid on Tweeter. We all wanted in on that action. However, I then saw the price of the weightless bag of feathery treats…. It was like 5 or 6 bucks! HOW DARE THEY?

I could have just put the bag back, but… buuuut… ya know…. I put it in the canned beans section. Why? Because I was there buying a can of garbanzo beans for 79 cents so I could make aquafaba marshmallow fluff. Obviously. Also because no one will find it there unless they just happen upon it. It’s like ‘Where’s Waldo’ for young, rich people who are obsessed with online trends. hashtagblessed.

Finally, I needed chocolate. That’s a pretty major part of the whole thing. It’s 1/3 of the ingredients, to be exact. Of course, bars of chocolate are sickeningly expensive. Like. What? When did chocolate become a bartering item for kids’ kidneys on the Black Market? Sick. Thus, this too I had to fraggle my way out of. Instead, I purchased a packet of hazelnut chocolate butter for $1.25. You heard that right- single serve Nutella, basically. Chocolate accomplished.

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Should be easy riding from here, ammirite, cowboy?

See? You’re as naive as I was. You came in here thinking you knew of what I was capable. You and I, we thought I was ready for this jelly. Once I got home, ate some graham crackers, contemplated the true hazardous nature of “safety” pins, I got to work. That’s when things went downhill.

1- Aquafaba did not want to aqua. Or, I should say, it didn’t want to become fab. It just stayed liquid and ugly and smelly, despite all the whipping and naying I could produce.

2- Hazelnut butter decided it was time to melt. Not bad for taste and mush, but bad for my desire to maintain some doody-free hands. My hands were more brown than Murphy…Brown…. I’m not good with things.

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This is when I went for the bottle. Sparkly and alcoholy and pink- alright. Let’s S’more.

Fortunately, someone had really old, really hidden away Oreos in her cabinet. Did I put them there? Maybe…? They might have been there before I moved in. I can’t say for certain. They’re Oreos, though, they don’t go bad!

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Look.

Look at my art.

Yes, in my first attempt, I forget to add the nut butter. I just put cookie crumbles on a cracker. Upon noticing this, I was tempted to just eat the carb’more, but I made the responsible, adulty choice and added chocolate to my sugar cracker and chocolate cookie treat.

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Now, that’s a S’more to write home about. I did it, guys. I really did it.

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My S’mores were good. Were they S’mores? Is a cigar just a cigar? We’ll never know these answers, but what I can tell you is this: the world tried to put S’mores in a box. It told my graham crackers and me that we had to be like the other kids and the other cookies if we wanted to be a success. Well, we said NO. We stood up and said, “NO.” Not this time.

My S’mores were a gosh dang 9/10 trans fat cubes. I’d give it a better rating, but seriously, those Oreos were old.

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