It’s the Po’tland life, Son

Yeah. I’m back here because I booked a tripped. Nothing too crazy, but a little crazy. Portland, Oregon may not sound like anything big, but here’s the cherry on top: I bought a one-way ticket. I mostly did this because everyone thinks I am going to love it there. If so, it’ll be really depressing if I have to run home before seeing everything. Besides, you can’t visit Oregon without checking out the surrounding Western states. Think about it, I can check out Seattle and Nevada, maybe even go as far as Colorado or California…. There’s a lot to see and do and lots of people I know and love. Of course, I’ll be Couchsurfing, so I plan to meet up with local strangers and friends and do vlogs in which we cook and laugh and bond and twirl around. Let me know if you’d like to join or host!

Now, why Portland? I heard about all sorts of magical, WEIRD things in Portland, but a couple of things really stood out. Let’s start with the vegan strip club. Now, this may initially seem absurd, but oh, no, my friends. No, no. Normally, nothing is vegan in a club! Bar food, bar drinks, leather… everything! From the outfits to the props to the seats, normal clubs have leather. However, this club does not.

Sure, it’s a strip club, and Lord knows, one strip club in Atlanta was the only strip club I thought I needed in my life. However, what kind of vegan would I be if I didn’t support the local vegan single mothers and struggling college students? A monster, I would be. Also, the owner of “Casa Diablo” is in a heavy feud with another strip club owner who runs a steakhouse. Everything about this tells me that I should support the clothes-less heroines.

You will also notice on the website (as I just did) that you can audition any day between 4-7 PM. Better hustle if you want a spot. I’m coming, CASAAAA!
… Oh, don’t scroll down after the schedule. Put on some moccasins and a shawl, girl!

Who says vegans are boring?

Next stop: the chocolate waterfall! While I’m fairly certain this thing ain’t vegan, I don’t see how I could not check it out. After all, Willy Wonka is the créme de la créme of filmography. The fountain is located inside a candy shop called ‘The Candy Basket, Inc.’

Judging by the photos, this thing is as tremendous and remarkable as you would hope. Sure, some people would be content with a photo, but not me. If I travel to the other side of the country and I don’t see a waterfall chocolatefall, I no longer deserve to travel. If anyone so much as dare ask WHY this exists, so help me, I will cut off your fingers, dip them in chocolate waterfall, eat them slowly, and never talk to you again, because that’s just hurtful.

“Look, Maw, the stairway to Heaven!”

It turns out, there’s a lot of nudity in Portland, considering it’s not a tropical island or even close to being one. These people just love getting naked and freaky. Guess who’s going to be in Portland just in time for Portland’s World Naked Bike Ride? That’s right, baby! Be there or don’t be bare! Apparently, it serves as a protest of some sort of something? I don’t know, I don’t feel like watching the video. I’m going to assume it’s a protest of restricting one’s body jiggle and glimmer. Portland don’t care! We’re going to embrace all that oozy sweat and have a raunchy cacophony of a skin-slapping good time. Yeehaw!

I suspect the body hair, body stench, and plethora of body parts waggling in the fresh, open, Oregon air will be overwhelming. I can’t freaking wait!

Pardon all the butts in this post. They should call it Buttland. I just hope they pass through Porta-Pottyland during the ride.

Now, I’ll stop joking around and get to the real call of the Portland wilds. That is, the famous soy curl. Legend has it that a single soy curl, invented and sold exclusively in a restaurant named “Aviv” (Note: I have no idea if this is true, but it sounds way more dramatic) has converted at least 2 people to veganism. What is a soy curl, you ask? Good question, I don’t know. Hold on.

“Shawarma soy curls: toothsome little morsels, singing with curry-heady marinade and crunchy edges, served over a heap of french fries drizzled with tahini and spicy green sauce.”

Toothsome! Did you read that? That’s not a word you see everyday. That’s pretty big talk for a little Israeli restaurant in Oregon…. According to one report I remember reading somewhere about something, one person was reportedly seen trying a soy curl and then saying, “They’re like- wow.”

 

 

So… ya know… yeah. Their menu also lists shakshouka, challah French toast, and baklava, among a million other things that I am really, really craving now.

I am now dead. Feed me.

If that’s just not enough reason for you to be impressed, I also have my eyes on a vegan BBQ place called HomeGrown Smoker and this delightful pizzeria called Virtuous Pie. Be ready, guys, I’m coming and I am shoving my money into your dirty, delicious paws.

How.

Dare.

You.

Let me regain my composure. I still want to tell you what’s waiting for me in Seattle. My keys are a little wonky now, after collecting all my drool.

Seattle isn’t known for being “weird”, right? It’s more about IT and coffee. Two things in which I have no interest. Don’t be fooled, though! Aside from more amazing people I know living here, there’s also a Museum of Pop Culture! Who doesn’t love pop culture? It’s so popular and cultured. And just check out the building! It’s like a shimmering mermaid tail!


I’m not sure what’s going on here, but you just know magical things are taking place inside these walls.

One last thing I will mention in this post is something that really touches close to home. As someone who rarely goes into cafes and doesn’t have a cat roommate because they’re egocentric weirdos who need to potty indoors, my life has always been missing something. My clothes aren’t covered in fur, my food isn’t covered in fur, and my possessions don’t end up “mysteriously” broken, on the floor. This is all lacking and I am grateful for it.

However, there’s a cafe in Seattle that can change all of this for me. A place called Meowtropolitan Cat Cafe – don’t ask me to pronounce that – in Seattle offers everything you expect in an overpriced, gimmicky cafe, plus all the cat dander and hair balls! Whether you’re seeking a catfee, a chai meowtte, hot clawclate, or just some old-fashioned cat yoga, like grandma used to do, you’ll get it at this stop. The adorable thing is, the cats are also for adoption! #adoptdontshop Right?

Remember when you and your best friend would talk about growing up and building an entire city for animals and calling it “Animal Land” and then changing your names to something involving your favourite animal and other weird obsessions (i.e. Dog Girl Jane Minnie Mouse)? Well, whoever opened up this place had a dream and probably a business degree, and they made it happen.

Any other cities, states, or favourite spots I should visit in the area?
Want to join me for the road trip of a lifetime?
Drop me an email or comment and let me know! Let’s have a good time this Summer!

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