Holidays can be a daunting task for vegans. Whether you’re making the holiday dinner, eating the holiday dinner, or shoveling chocolate into your mouth in a dark corner, there are so many things that make holidays tough.
First of all, your family will always call you “weird” or “crazy” and joke about feeding you meat… because that’s what families do. Second, you have to maintain some appearance of caring about the holiday (which, maybe you do, but I sure don’t!) And you have to wear clothing. Like, pants, bra, your dentures… whatever dressing up entails in your life. How awful! So, today I’m going to teach you how to be a nudist at family din- oh, wait, no. That’s not about what I’m writing. Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m just collecting a bunch of holiday-friendly vegan alternative options for Passover and Easter. That’s pretty good, too, no?
Let’s start with Easter, because I know NOTHING about Easter. I am excited to learn what people do on this holiday. As I hear it, there aren’t bunnies and baby chickens. Which is good! People, if you’re buying children bunnies and chicks, you’re a dummy. Did I just write that? Yes, and you are. These are living creatures. They require care and time and they’re messy and have pungent odors, and they grow up! Yes, they GROW.UP. at which point, your kid may very likely throw that frickin’ full-grown chicken at you and say, “But, like, you bought it.”
Next thing you know, your digging through the poop of little Shmuffin Wigglebuttons looking for the diamond ring he swallowed.
Shmuffin Wigglebuttons is what I named your chicken, by the way. And he eats diamond rings. So….
I’m getting to the food stuff now, I really am! Easter. Food. Let’s do this.
Alternatively, you can do whatever this is:Food. Right! Okay, stop yelling at me! I’m doing my best!
According to the interwebs, the average American family has these items for Easter dinner: ham, scalloped potatoes, boiled eggs, hot cross buns, Simnel cake, and a whole bunch of jellybeans and chocolate!
Fear not, vegans can still partake in the festivities! Although, this is where I admit that I don’t know what Easter is celebrating. Something with Jesus, I’m assuming? Since Christian people cannot get enough of that guy, am I right?? Ha… ha… oh, boy.
HAM! So, Tofurky does sell a ham sort of thing, as well as ham slices. That’s the easy way of doing that. However, it looks like this, so you may want to reconsider:
A few vegan alternative meat companies make turkey options. Find the full list HERE. If rubbery, processed alt-meat doesn’t get you salivating, Chubby Vegan Mom has another option, you can make your own! Let’s just accept that vegan ham will never look delicious. But it very well may be delicious! Check it out HERE.
I’m not sure what scalloped potatoes are, but potatoes are good! And this recipe by Vegan in the Freezer sounds easy and looks yummy! Check it out HERE.
After some extensive, in-depth research, I found out that Simnel cake is fruit cake with marzipan on top. I’ve offended enough people already, I’ll just say maybe Simnel cake isn’t my piece of cake. However, if you LOVE Simnel cake, try this recipe from Doves Farm in the UK! They make the best food, don’t they!? …don’t they? Well, hey, maybe you’ll like the cake, give it a try! Check it out HERE.
The hardboiled egg thing is a bit tricky since it’s… an egg. That’s like telling someone to make a fake carrot. People do that stuff, though. People are weird. People are SO weird that there actually is a hardboiled egg that is vegan. The Elated Vegan didn’t just make an egg, they made a “Proper” vegan egg. I’m gonna pass on this one, too, but you go for it. Tell me how that works out for ya. Check it out HERE.
Now, what are hot cross buns, aside from an amazing song everyone learns to play on the recorder? Also, when did I become so ignorant?? These are just some questions I have.
If I’ve sufficiently entertained you with my GREAT jokes, we can move on. If you’ve gotten this far, you deserve a recipe for vegan hot cross buns. It’s HERE on Vegan Dad‘s website. They look pretty darn tasty! It’s just a shame I’m so lazy. Otherwise, I might have tried them….
There are about a million vegan Easter dessert options on the interwebs, so I’ll just pick a few of my favourites. This first one is kind of genius if you want a chocolate Easter egg, but you’re unique and trendy and prefer guacamole. Kinda. Dudes- avocados are shaped like eggs! Check THIS out. Also totally feeling these chocolate peanut butter snacks HERE. If you’re super ambitious and want to make everyone else look bad, you can just make this insanely gorgeous carrot cake found HERE. Or stick to something easier and just as good with a no-bake strawberry shortcake. It’s adorable, you can check that out HERE.
And, like that, Easter is VEGANIZED! What about Passover, though? What goes on a Seder plate? Well, let me tell you! After all, I went to Hebrew School for 10 years, so I know a thing or two about searching Goog- um, let me just tell you, shall I?
Maror: an herb, so it’s safe. However, it’s a super bitter herb which I would not wish on anyone. No one uses maror! Just the meshugana Jewish people use maror. You can replace it with cilantro. Some Rabbis say it’s the correct herb, actually! While it’s still bitter, it’s not quite as unpleasant… and you can make salsa afterward.
Z’roa: This is a roasted lamb shank bone. Just a bone… on a plate… like, what? I mean, it represents the lamb who was sacrificed by some guy, but come on! Admittedly, I loved eating lamb when I was a kid, but then I learned about a little something called compassion, at which point I stopped eating lambs and starting eating small children. You can replace the lamb shank bone with the shank bone of a child… or a midget… or just put a beet there.
By the way, this is how I discovered how hard it is to find an image of a midget Rabbi. Do they even exist? This baby dressed as a Rabbi will have to suffice. Ha- look at him!
Note to self: Write theme song for Rabbi Baby television show.
Charoset: This one we’re gonna keep. It’s yummy. Even though charoset is intended to resemble the brick and mortar used by Jewish slaves back in the day, it does not taste like brick and mortar. Unless they made pyramids with apples, walnuts, and wine (figs and dates, if you like). Some people put honey in their recipe, so just keep that out or use agave nectar instead. Of course, make sure the wine is vegan, too. You can see the recipe HERE. Chazaret: Another thing you’ll quickly learn about Jewish people is that we love to torture ourselves. Whether it’s taking the difficult route, obsessing over death, or visiting our parents WAY too often, we are masochists. Thus, charazet is yet another bitter piece of the Seder plate puzzle. It’s lettuce, though, so it’s not too painful. Like lettuce, the journey in Egypt was soft at first and then turned bitter at the end. Clever, isn’t it? Ehh….
Karpas: This one is a little here, a little there, but either way, it’s vegan. Karpas is usually either parsley or boiled potatoes. They represent Spring and new beginnings. Hey, not bad, right? WRONG! You are absolutely WRONG! We don’t get to just eat some potatoes and smile, like we’re Irish or something. No! We have to take that happy veggie and dip it in salt water! Because we had something cheerful and lovely and then we covered it in TEARS! That’s what Jewish people do, we take the positive and we make it into something dreary and morbid! Jesus would never do that to his people, I bet. He gives them wine and crackers when he wants to guilt them. So, yeah, dip your fluffy, warm potato or parsley into some nasty salt water. Yay for the freakin’ holidays!
Alright, let’s get this over. Your last ingredient is Beitzah. An egg. Preferably a disgusting one that has been sitting on a plate in the synagogue all morning. You can make the vegan “PROPER” egg as mentioned above, you don’t have to deal with the farty smell, and everyone says, “Baruch Hashem!” (Thank God!)
Amen, Hallelujah, let’s eat some matzo and store-bought cookies!
I’m not entirely sure how coconut macaroons fit in here, but I know those are popular. Just keep in mind, Passover is the holiday without leavened bread, so don’t leaven the bread. Don’t touch, smell, or think about the stuff. Make THESE and everyone will be pleased.
Serve them with tea, coffee, or almond milk. No meat, no dairy, everything is parve, everyone is happy. You can also pick up Tofutti ice cream thingies, they make me think of Jewish holidays and they’re SO. SO. GOOD.
By the way, it’s considered a Mitzvah (good deed) to drink wine on Passover, so… it’s not ALL bad. Here are some other VEGANIZED recipes that may come in handy for the holiday:
Matzo Ball Soup
Potato and Mushroom Croquettes
The only thing I can’t find is vegan sweetbread…. I used to love eating this. Don’t ask me what it is. Just don’t. But if anyone has a vegan recipe, please send it over.
And, now I’m sufficiently hungry and nostalgic. Who’s cooking for Pesach and inviting me over??
Enjoy the holidays!
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