Remember that time I went to Brazil? It feels like forever ago. However, I never got around to giving you a full review of eating vegan food in Brazil… what the heck!? I’m the worst.
Fear not, though, I am now here to do that for you. Yes, for you. No one else.
If I can remember anything.
I was on a tour of Rio de Janeiro. You know, beaches, mountains, monkeys, beaches, tan butts, and burned skin (not mine, of course, as I’m a vampire and that would be extremely hazardous to my Vampirian skin!) There was a lot of good vibes and pretty stuff.
We were mid-tour when our tour guide casually asked if we wanted to eat. I wanted to eat. I always want to eat. Vegan options were somewhat slim…. I mean, there were options, but they weren’t amazing options, from what I could tell. Still, we chose one and went with it. It was right by Copacabana (just TRY not singing it) and it was vegan-friendly. That’s exactly what I wanted! Food. Vegan. Vegan food! How did they know?
First and foremost, the downside was the lack of bathroomage. It was a small place, mostly meant as a shop more than a restaurant, so we had to go next door for a restroom. The benefit of that was finding this doodad:
Public bathroom floss and mouthwash. It’s so genius and yet so potentially disgusting. I flossed my teeth like a champ that day. There wasn’t anymore mouthwash, so the world would just have to deal with my halitosis expialidoscious!
Once everyone had peed and flossed, we entered… ORGANICI! We entered the doorway in slow motion with black suits and ties and sunglasses. We were the gang of Brazilian vegan foods. Don’t mess.
* Guns fire, glass shatters…. As the door enters, we see a grandmother, her extremely white grandchild, and a Middle Eastern tour guide enter*
“Give me your veggies or prepare to suffer.”
The cashier/waitress doesn’t speak English. So, the guide translates… kind of. While the food is being prepared, the gang eyeball the place. Baked good, teas, sweets, baked goods, teas, sweets, baked good, teas, sweets! There’s so much veganness, how do they do it?
Don’t ask me what any of this stuff is…. OH! Eggs! I know what those are. But, they’re not vegan, and they’re brown. That’s messed up.
Oh! The food, it’s here. Shut up, guys! Shut up! The food’s here!
First we were given this beet and rice thing
It looks simple and tasty enough, right? WRONG! It wasn’t very good. I don’t know why or how, but we all agreed that it was not worth the effort of chewing. Fortunately, this was not our meal. They had fooled us! This was just a side dish to the meal! Trickery! Deceit!
Well, well, well, what do we have here? Think you can just give me spaghetti with tomato sauce and broccoli with macadamia nuts and a side of soy parmesan cheese without further questioning? THINK AGAIN!
This was fine. It was slightly a little warmish, so that’s good. Wouldn’t want my meal to still be frozen! The flavour was fine. Cool. Good enough. I was starving. It worked for us.
Tofu stroganoff? It’s a thing, apparently. Not a particularly good thing, but a thing, nonetheless. No one can say someone in Brazil didn’t try. There was mushroom, even. I mean, come on! That’s special. Too bad it was super liquidy and didn’t have much in the way of a taste. Sad faces.
But, hey, turn that frown upside down! There’s still a drinky poo waiting to be drinkied!
Boom! Thirst satiated thanks to WAKER! All the caffeine, none of the sugar. Zing! POP!
It was pretty good, you know, for an energy drink made by an owl. Owl ain’t playin’. And, you will notice that the waitress has a playful top on. Kind of like a nurse’s scrubs. I like feeling like I’m eating dinner in the hospital, it puts me at ease. Bed pans were made for days like these.
As for the price of things, I have no idea how that worked out. On one hand, it’s Brazil, so… ya know. Money is not easy to come by. On the other hand, vegan-friendly near a world famous beach could go either way. But, since we didn’t love what we had, I guess no amount makes up for that. Good for the starving vegan in unfamiliar territory, bad for the seasoned traveler who knows they could have found a better place if they had done a little more research. Ah, well! If nothing else, you can always buy chocolate!
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Rating: 4/10 unicorn hugs
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