Why I Hate Being Vegan

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I hate being vegan, but have been one for a long time. I’ve also avoided too much sugar, too many carbs, and any soda, for much of that time. On top of that, I don’t order delivery or eat out very often. One might go so far as to say that I am a HEALTH NUT!

Kinda. I mean, I just don’t want all that extra salt and oil in my body; just wriggling about in my intestines. My bowels and bladder are very special to me, I don’t let just anyone down in there. One time, I let a doctor put a camera in my whats-a-come-n-a-go, and boy, did I regret that. We’ve tightened security since that incident.

          They’re gonna be like, “Why do people hate vegans!?

Now, being healthy is important, of course. People who say they aren’t worried about their health are basically just saying, “I’m okay with slowly destroying myself.” That’s not me. But, I also wouldn’t say my diet is necessarily healthy. I basically choose one or two vegetables and eat them all day, e’erday for the entire week.

The gym is also a big part of my life, but that’s for other reasons. I stop lifting weights as soon as I notice more muscle than with which I am comfortable. Also, most people don’t want to be morbidly obese, but that’s a combination of health and vanity. The reality is, I’m just eating the stuff some random people tell me to eat, claiming that I will be better off for it. I choose to listen to Dr. Merkinderfloofer instead of listening to my body. Why? Because Dr. M has credentials on his name tag that impress me, THAT’S WHY!

I’m an idiot. To be fair to myself, we’re all idiots. Which is not to say that all nutrition as we know it is blooey, but it is to say that we are receiving mixed messages all the time. Statistically, this means that some of the contradictory “facts” cannot be true.

Such as:

Listen to your body and only eat my product!
Don’t listen to your body, it’s stuck in Caveman mode.
You don’t need veggies, you need powders and pills made in a factory!
Drink milk from a bean, but don’t feed your kids peanuts!

Ya know, sometimes I just hate people. Including myself. These tidbits of advice turn me into a bully! After a week of going to the gym and eating right, if I eat a little extra tofu on a Saturday night, I have a long night of self-deprecation ahead.

I know what you’re thinking, “Tofu? You naughty girl!”

The stupid thing is, it doesn’t even give me the results I expect. On television and Instagram, the people with the most self-control and discipline are the ones who fit into Barbie dresses, sparkle like a unicorn fart, and have the energy of character from Dragon Ball Z. Not me.

Unicorn version of me (@kumik00)

People have told me I seem light and energized, implying that it is due to my eating habits. They ask me if I feel healthier since becoming a vegan. First of all, no. Second of all, was I just a dense, fudge brownie previously? Besides, I switched over a long time ago, what do I remember? I can say, though, every day of my life, I feel gassy and sarcastic.

My attention span is still crummy, my memory is still lacking, my skin is still pre-pubescently bumpy, my hair is Art Garfunkle-y, and my fashion sense is still questionable, at best. Not much has changed in all this time! I’m no better at commitment or algebra, and I still can’t do a cartwheel. What has improved, my friends, is my impact on the world… and my ability to tell others that I am morally and ethically superior.

The honest to Moshe truth is, I hate that I can’t try exotic foods around the world. I hate that I can’t just close my eyes and pick a bakery. I hate that people feel a primal and carnal urge to attack me, debate me, and question me because of the things I choose to not eat. Most of all, I hate that I can’t live life without constantly dreading the cruel reality behind everything I eat, buy, and do.

But Jesus Christ on toast, I STILL DO IT! Because I am aware and capable enough to make an effort. I look for ways to help and improve the cause with good intention, rather than dragging it down and not bothering to fix it. I want to figure out what’s best and what’s right and do it, no matter what I must surrender or put up with in order to do so.

If cutting cheese (heh heh) or steak from your diet is really so dreadful, and you feel it is worse than torturing and killing animals, by all means, you do you. I can’t convince anyone to do anything. I certainly am much too lazy to try. Just don’t expect me to sit there and laugh at your anti-vegan jokes while you try to get in the way of our efforts and progress.

Every issue requires a sense of humour. No matter how serious and dark, I can laugh along with you. People who take life too seriously are the types who hold in burps and turn them into overzealous YouTube comments. As for me, I can make jokes about anything! Joking comes after action, though. Once there are no more animals suffering in the name of your comfort and luxury, that’s when we can step back, burp uproariously, and joke about vegans.

It’s not so much that I hate being vegan, it’s that I hate that I have to be vegan.

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