For I must be traveling on, now
‘Cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see
I’m leaving America.
You want to know why I’m leaving America – the land of the free and the home of the brave?
New York City, where, if you can make it, you can make it anywhere?
Because I am not making it here! It’s time to see where I am meant to be. Which is not to say that America or New York have done me wrong. I’ll be back, because I simply can’t leave it behind forever. However, how can I judge and know that THIS is where I want to be, unless I see what else is out there? Just because songs and movies tell me so, doesn’t mean that this is where I’m meant to be forever. After all, what do I care about expensive cars and throwing around billions of dollars? I don’t. But when everyone around you either has or wants or needs this lifestyle, that’s what becomes the norm. I’ve seen myself turning into that ‘money-focused, self-involved, kick ’em down unless you need ’em’ sort.
No. The buck stops here!
To be honest, I’ve played it safe and comfortable all these years. I’ve been kind and generous. I’ve given and seldom taken. My head’s on good shoulders and my heart’s in the right place. Yet, I’m still relying entirely on others financially. Of course, I realize finances aren’t everything. They aren’t the be all, end all. They don’t determine my worth or success. However, being a burden unto others, whether they don’t mind or don’t see it that way, I experience that as a burden unto myself. Long story short, I just can’t do it anymore.
Seeing how the job offers are simply not coming along and I have no roots here, I see no reason to stay. As my peers settle down into homes and jobs and families, I am still uprooted with no one but the family nature gave to me. While they are wonderful and I am fortunate to have them, it’s a constant reminder that I have nothing of my own for which I worked, nothing I’ve earned, nothing to give me depth and purpose. This results in feelings of defeat and emptiness. With all I have been given, how have I achieved so little? How can this be so!? I can’t bear the reality.
Maybe blaming my location is of no use, but how am I to find out the length of my reach if I never stretch? Maybe, no matter how far I travel, how long I trek, I will always feel this sense of urgency to change and have something different. Some people are just never content with what they have and they always want something more or different. That could be. But if I just need a break from the bustle and the chaos and a reminder of what matters to me and where I can get it, maybe then I’ll find that inner peace… or something that resembles it. In the meantime, I’ll be living the nomadic life for a bit. Hostels and volunteer work and seeking a career, a home, a place to belong.
“Terror” does not even begin to describe the feelings I have regarding this decision. My heart races, head hurts, and my breaths increase just at the thought. That’s what excites me about it, though. To do those scary things, make those leaps, and never let fear and self-doubt prevent me from trying. To slow down and remind myself that I am not meant to chase billowing, green bills.
I can’t say what my life’s purpose is, but I know that my everyday goal is to make life as beautiful for others as it is for me. To share my vision of a less awful existence and finding success in a cause for people, other animals, nature, and whatever else is out there. I guess I’ll find out and I hope you’ll all be with me during this scary and exciting journey!
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