It’s not often that one has the honour of being given a colonoscopy. Fortune has it that I had one, however. One gallon of salty ear wax later, and I was finally settled into my kingdom’s lair. It shined like a set of dentures resting on a nightstand.
The next day, the procedure was done, and I was finally allowed to eat real food after over 24 hours of fasting. Of course, at this point, I was so sick of existence, that I felt there was no use in eating. I was beginning to realize that life is just a big sphere of futile opportunities to be something great. Then, just as you think you’ve found an ounce of goodness, you’re drained on the toilet and placed on a stick like a mud popsicle.
Let’s just say, I was quite sore and cramped, and that made me grumpy.
Trudging through the slime of my own sluggish continuum, I remembered a place. A place where humans aren’t slaves to judgment and physics. Where a child can be a child without the constraints of boundaries and traditional superstitious mumbo jumbo. Was it real, though, or all just a myth? I must find out!
And so I began my journey in search of the land of possibilities. I crossed 6th avenue, walked down Park, got yelled at by a cab driver at Astor, politely stared at a man’s green mohawk on St. Mark’s, and finally, I entered the holiest land of holy holiness: DF Mavens. It was just like it had been described on the website! “Modern ice cream parlor with all kinds of vegan scoops plus other treats like baked goods & wraps.”
No commas needed, no questions asked, it was simply something magical.
Get it? It’s really not funny if you don’t get it. I believe they were going for the word “legendary”, but they removed the “dary” part because it sounded like dairy, and the store is dairy-free. Do you see now? They removed “dary” (dairy!) and left the “Legend” part! The store has only been in existence for 6 months, this was no period of time in which a store could become a legend, of course. Nonetheless, I feel this sign was a HOOT! A real A+ winner.
I wiped away my tears of amusement and entered the classy and glassy store. They call themselves a store, but I felt it was more of a shop. What do I know about owning an establishment, though? Nothing, that’s what! So, I entered the store and took some photos.
I think the worker (peeking out there) was a little confused and unsettled by my photo-taking. I usually ask if it’s cool. This time, I just snapped away because the pretty, handmade cones caught my photo-lust. If it were me, I would have put a scoop of ice cream in my hand and called that handmade. Know what I mean? By the way, the prices here are purely for the ice cream scoops in the cone. If you go with the cup option, it is cheaper by nearly two dollars. If you DO want a scoop in your hands, I assume it’s even cheaper. Your call.
So, then came the tough part of the process: choosing the flavour(s) I wished to eat. They did offer me a sample of anything I wanted to try before the big purchase, but being the risk taker, one to perform acts of bravado, I declined. No, sir, I will not be taking a sample of your dairy-free goods. Give me two large scoops posthaste! One make your most exotic flavour. Two make your, well, your other most exotic flavour. Thus, I found myself swimming in cardamom pistachio and green tea ice cream.
I paid (with tip because I am nice like that) and then I sat myself upon the stool next to the window facing the black, leather couch outside. It almost seems like a cruel joke for a leather furnishing to be placed outside a vegan establishment. What a harsh world we live in. Fortunately, I was in a safe space where no animal carcasses could get to me.
The ice cream, though! Mama mia, it was nice. The perfect combination of creamy and icey. It didn’t dissolve on the tongue like nothingness, it lingered and filled your palette with flavours, one at a time, each more intriguing and delightful than the next. At first, the cardamom pistachio didn’t blow my mind, I must admit. It tasted like vanilla bean with a hint of wasabi, or something slightly exotic and burny. However, once I got to the pistachio- that was a game changer. There were whole, still-crisp pistachios in there, and that opened my taste buds to an entirely new experience. Suddenly, the ice cream became something new, a little bizarre and foreign, but magnificent! For those who enjoy a little Indian food or authentic chai, this product was an American escape plan all in itself. For 10 minutes I felt as if I was in an Eastern country, far away from reality and butt-probing doctors. It was truly an experience that transported me. The green tea was also quite lovely. I always have uncertain feelings towards green tea, as it does have a bitter, intimidating and overwhelming flavour. Still, there is no doubt that this was definitely a green tea ice cream. It was so rich and on-point. The two flavours at once was the Donny and Marie Osmond of ice creams. A little bit rock and roll, a little bit country. I was overjoyed that those two were making a comeback. I’ve been waiting all these years, and my mouth had just reunited the sibling dream team in my very own orifice.
The neat part was that, before any of this took place, the worker asked in which order I wanted the flavours scooped. I felt that was a very polite thing to do. He requested my consent before any scooping took place. That is how a true gentleman treats a customer. Fortunately, I once again left the decision to the expert, and he went with green tea on the bottom, cardamom pistachio on top. Well done, sir, well done. Otherwise, all I would have tasted would have been the green tea. It’s a flavour that really sticks to your ribs… or tongue, in this case.
The guy knew how to scoop, he really did. After these two scoops, I felt fat, ashamed, and like a winner. Just how ice cream should make you feel. Then you realize it’s vegan, so as we have learned, that means it HAS to be good for you.
They also have a lot of old New York women coming in because they’re curious about the new shop. At least two of the ones I witnessed came in, seemed completely confused as to what was going on, tried a couple samples, and then it occurred to them that this was no hat shop. Once they realized there were no hats to be purchased, they scrambled off, back to the safety of Long Island and its cornucopia of hat shops.
Anyway, I’d love to give DF Mavens 10 out of 10 hugs, but I gave 10 in my last review, therefore, I can’t start throwing out 10s all over the place…. Heck! You only live once right?! Let’s give it a TEN!
Tune in next time when I review something else!
Rating: 10/10 unicorn hugs
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